TiptoeingWell--it's been a full month since I last posted anything. I think this officially means I've lost my touch as a blogger. I used to have something to say about everything! But now I just can't seem to make myself write about anything. Two reasons prevail among all the myriad reasons:
1. I've been pretty happy lately--and I tend to write from frustration or sadness--sigh
2. Now that I'm struggling (again) I don't really want to admit it!
I've been looking at a lot of my patterns, desire, failure, isolation, success and wondering how it all fits in one person, one personality. I'm once again experiencing desire after a long and happy time of pure present awareness, being content in my 'single' state; and I'm once again angry at myself for having feelings that have no rational cause, no real purpose and no happy ending. I'm 40 for God's sake--do we never tire of it? Evidently not.
I'm once again in the middle of a project that's blown up in my face; and I'll once again not make my deadline. Dreadful at this stage of the game and in my career to not be able to come through.
I'm once again noticing my fear of commitment and recognizing that it's the root of my inability to make that connection that we're all supposed to want--and which I wane and wax with like the tides. The pain of separation (or the chance of it) still makes the joy of being together seem small in comparison.
And I'm once again trying to temper all these mixed emotions with the reality that my life--exactly as it is--is just fine. Sure my cats are throwing up all over the house because it's spring and that's what they do. Sure my dog still manages to get out of the yard and harass my neighbors. Sure I'm lonely sometimes. But the reality is that in the face of what and who I could be at this point, I'm a miracle and my life is witness to the work of the hand of the Guru. Bottom line: I'm blessed.
So why do I feel like I'm tiptoeing around my own consciousness, my own feelings, my own desires? Why am I still asking why--after all this time?
All I can do is continue to breathe--and continue to put the next foot in front of the other and hope that something good this way comes.
May you be blessed.
May you receive every
feeling, desire, and
as a chance to dig deep
to know the root
and to water it or pull it out
May you fill your world
with the power of your prayer
and may that prayer
in a good way.
Remember: "All things come from God
and all things go to God."