I have been very cautious to say this out loud, but I'm happy. My mom called me last night worried because she hadn't heard from me--and usually that spells trouble. But in reality, I've just been afraid to say it out loud: I'm genuinely happy. He's the best thing that's ever happened to me. And I'm the luckiest woman I know. And if I ever lose sight of that, all I need to do is watch my friends' reactions when he says or does something "otherworldly," which happens more often than not.
I spent the first 90 days of marriage wondering why in the world people subject themselves to this ritual that seemingly has nothing to do with rational behavior. I now understand why people do all the stupid things they do, which I used to judge so harshly, namely, the one-minute marriage and the unthinkable, cheating. When you're conscious within a marriage, you don't act on any of these things, but you definitely watch them arise in your mind as it seeks a way out. You see the way polarity either pulls you together or pushes you apart. You observe the tendency to want to run away. You contain the subconscious motivation to undermine or sabotage your virtues.
But somewhere along the line, I began to enjoy myself. When we reached the 120 day mark, I leaned over and said, "we may be getting the hang of this marriage thing;" and my husband said, "shhhh, don't spoil it." So even though I still don't understand why people do it in the first place, we are definitely making the most of it. We've both learned how to use humor to deflect a head-on fight when it's coming; we've both learned to over look things that at one time would have annoyed us; and we've both learned to relax and just enjoy it.
So here's to the next 120 days, and the next and the next and the next.
To Write or To Wife
My niece Ashton (who's blog is Happily Ever Laughter--check it out) is proof that you can still write after you get married. But I will say for my part that I've had a hard time putting together two coherent sentences since I got married. Of course this writer's block made me think of "A Room of One's Own", which essentially asserts that a woman can either write or wife, but not do both, and I kind of relate. Although I've experienced similar writer's blocks as a single woman, so who's to say. But it's definitely a tightrope of figuring out what I can say and what I can't. Wanting to play fair but also knowing that one of the ways I come to my own understanding of fairness is to just put it all out there--in black and white--and see it reflecting back at me.
My husband is a good sport and says I can write whatever I like. But it's not that simple, nothing is anymore.
We spend our entire lives being told how happy we'll be if only we were lucky enough to get married--and we believe it. Most little girls grow up daydreaming about their Big Day. I confess I did it too. But luckily I also had a pragmatist for a father who always reminded me that it's not the wedding that matters but the marriage. And it turns out that marriage is nothing like the fantasy--not even close. In fact, I have argued vehemently with my friends about the origins of the fantasy since the reality of marriage is sooooo different. How did the fantasy even come into being? They assure me that parts of it are rooted in the reality; and perhaps I'll catch glimpses of it soon enough. But in these first few months, I've definitely wondered how I got here.
And when I ask that question, my husband reminds me that we are here because of the Guru's hukam--aas piaasee pir kao lorhee--the longing was fulfilled. And with that reminder, all my duality and doubt just drops away and I surrender, again. This is my life now. And most days it's so very good. But it has it's bad days; and they are so much more intense than the bad days of my single life. Perhaps because they are doubled? There is always another person to consider. There's no backing away from that--either in big things or the small things. But the bad days are also, in some ways, much more stable than those of my single life. Because there's always another person to consider, I can't allow the bad day to consume me any longer. The luxury of wallowing in things is gone--and I suppose that's the bright side. Along with shared toast in the mornings--and lots of laughter.
So, even though I'm now a wife, I'll try to still find time to write; because I'm also a writer. For good or for ill, I still have a few things left to say and this is as good a place as any.