"She's Holding, She's Holding. . . "
If you're a trekkie, then you know to what I'm referring. If not, well, you can google it. Right now, I feel like I'm on the deck of the Starship Enterprise, trying to keep all my bits in one piece as I travel at warp speed toward a brave new future.
This morning my beloved called me, "sweet, beautiful, radiant and noble." And I am doing my best to be those things, but I'm beginning to recognize why and how women blow it. My internal response to this outpouring of devotion was, "Ack! I can't be that all the time; it's too much pressure!" My external response was a light-hearted, "I can't keep up!" To which he responded, "Really?" And I knew I was on the edge of blowing it.
The part of me that wants to just let it all hang out, the part of me that is overly attached to the notion of authenticity wants to confess all my misgivings and doubts and shortcomings; just so I can relax. But the part of me who understands the Teachings of Yogi Bhajan knows that giving in to my insecurities and exposing myself in that way, well, it would be unrecoverable.
Whether its real in the moment or not, I must be those things--even when I don't feel that I can. Even when I feel impotent and powerless in the face of my own insecurities and emotional mood swings, I still have to be radiant and beautiful and sweet and noble in his eyes.
So I'm learning that perhaps it's not containing the man that is so challenging, but instead containing our own identity--even when it feels like a scratchy wool coat when we'd rather run around naked in the sun. We have to keep up in order to be kept up!
Weddings and things
I'm getting married. Never truly believed I'd be saying those words, especially at this point in my life. But there they are. And there he is, Abhai Raj Singh Ji, aka Pete Luellen, a lovely man who loves banjos (and me!).
He asked me early in the morning on December 31st, on a small hill out in the arroyos here in New Mexico. I was short of breath and cold as he began making his way down the path again until he turned to me and asked, Will you marry me? And I said, Yes. What a way to start the new year!
Thir Gar Baiso--the guru has arranged all my affairs--and I have to keep that in mind as we begin planning the wedding. Picking the wedding date has been the first of what I can only assume will be a plethora of decisions that we will have to change and adapt to. We had the "perfect" date and then his family couldn't come. We had a second "perfect" date, and my family couldn't come. So now we just have a date--and hopefully it will be perfect enough, just because our families can be here.
I woke up this morning from the first of what I can only pray will be very few wedding anxiety dreams--something about the dress--and so, the game has begun! The question is, Do I have the nervous system for it? I think I'm going to have to up the ante on my sadhana to make it through the whole thing--and still have fun! And that's the most important thing--the fun!
My niece is getting married this spring and she wanted a small, intimate family wedding, simply because she had witnessed so many big affairs in which the bride was an absolute basket! Last night I too was lobbying for an elopement, but in the end, we're hoping the big affair will be worth it.
At my age it's a bit embarrassing to admit that I still want the big party and the big dress; but I do. Having never married before, and having it come to me in such a magical way, I want to honor it by celebrating it with my family and friends and sangat. So--we're off!
Wish us luck!
Love is. . . .
Love is love; Yogi Bhajan's famous definition is a reminder to me that love has no conditions, no causal relationship, no unique environment. Love is simply love. Today I found a quote from the new Rebirthing manual (it's out!) which tells of the fruits of love in a really beautiful and profound way.
"Love gives you one thing: an understanding of the other person's grace." (c) The Teachings of Yogi Bhajan, November 30, 1988
Love takes us beyond ourselves; we look and see the other person. We truly see. Instead of being blinded by our own desires and agendas, we simply see. We see their light, we see the God within them, we see grace--and we experience that grace within ourselves because we love. We love that light and we become one with that light.
To experience love within this sacred space is unlike anything I've ever felt before. There is longing; there is desire; but there is no attachment. Instead, there is a sense of flow, there is an ease, a simplicity, a grace. There is a sense of sahaj, when command and obedience are one; otherwise known as living in hukam.
Love is . . . love. All we have to do is love. Love ourselves. Love each other. Love. And in that loving, understand the grace within everything.
Remembering
We have a technology in this path called naam simran, which is usually translated, remembering the name of God. In its essence it means vibrating the reality of the Guru, the Truth, in your every waking moment: from the smallest things like smelling a flower, to the repeated things like taking a breath, to the biggest decisions like where to live. Remember the name, remember the name, remember the name becomes an internal rhythm, a way of life, a way of seeing and being in the world that allows each moment to become timeless and sacred. Each moment a hologram of the whole; each moment the seed of the next; each moment an ecstasy of dwelling in the name.
So when my new love sent me flowers and included on the card words more beautiful than the flowers themselves, it seemed too good to be true: beautiful flowers to remind you of the Guru. But there it was--in writing--undeniable. The Guru has brought to me a man who reminds me to bow. For it is in my bowing, my surrender, my naam simran, that I find my equanimity, my peace of mind, my sahaj. And it is in my sahaj that that same man, my love, takes refuge.
The Guru has delivered this man to me; and so the Guru must keep him. I only need to remember the name. Remember to vibrate the name with every breath. Remember to bow. So each night I repeat the hukam that was the seed to all that now flourishes in my heart and in my life. For in repeating the hukam, I remember that everything is in hukam and I relax.
sUhI mhlw 5 ] (737-9)
soohee mehlaa 5.
Soohee, Fifth Mehl:
igRhu vis guir kInw hau Gr kI nwir ] (737-9, sUhI, mÚ 5)
garihu vas gur keenaa ha-o ghar kee naar.
The Giver has put this household of my being under my own control. I am now the mistress of the Lord's Home.
ds dwsI kir dInI Bqwir ] (737-9, sUhI, mÚ 5)
das daasee kar deenee bhataar.
My Husband Lord has made the ten senses and organs of actions my slaves.
sgl smgRI mY Gr kI joVI ] (737-9, sUhI, mÚ 5)
sagal samagree mai ghar kee jorhee.
I have gathered together all the faculties and facilities of this house.
Aws ipAwsI ipr kau loVI ]1] (737-10, sUhI, mÚ 5)
aas pi-aasee pir ka-o lorhee. ||1||
I am thirsty with desire and longing for my Husband Lord. ||1||
kvn khw gun kMq ipAwry ] (737-10, sUhI, mÚ 5)
kavan kahaa gun kant pi-aaray.
What Glorious Virtues of my Beloved Husband Lord should I describe?
suGV srUp dieAwl murwry ]1] rhwau ] (737-10, sUhI, mÚ 5)
sugharh saroop da-i-aal muraaray. ||1|| rahaa-o.
He is All-knowing, totally beautiful and merciful; He is the Destroyer of ego. ||1||Pause||
squ sIgwru Bau AMjnu pwieAw ] (737-11, sUhI, mÚ 5)
sat seegaar bha-o anjan paa-i-aa.
I am adorned with Truth, and I have applied the mascara of the Fear of God to my eyes.
AMimRq nwmu qMbolu muiK KwieAw ] (737-11, sUhI, mÚ 5)
amrit naam tambol mukh khaa-i-aa.
I have chewed the betel-leaf of the Ambrosial Naam, the Name of the Lord.
kMgn bsqR ghny bny suhwvy ] (737-12, sUhI, mÚ 5)
kangan bastar gahnay banay suhaavay.
My bracelets, robes and ornaments beautifully adorn me.
Dn sB suK pwvY jW ipru Gir AwvY ]2] (737-12, sUhI, mÚ 5)
Dhan sabh sukh paavai jaaN pir ghar aavai. ||2||
The soul-bride becomes totally happy, when her Husband Lord comes to her home. ||2||
gux kwmx kir kMqu rIJwieAw ] (737-12, sUhI, mÚ 5)
gun kaaman kar kant reejhaa-i-aa.
By the charms of virtue, I have enticed and fascinated my Husband Lord.
vis kir lInw guir Brmu cukwieAw ] (737-13, sUhI, mÚ 5)
vas kar leenaa gur bharam chukaa-i-aa.
He is under my power - the Guru has dispelled my doubts.
sB qy aUcw mMdru myrw ] (737-13, sUhI, mÚ 5)
sabh tay oochaa mandar mayraa.
My mansion is lofty and elevated.
sB kwmix iqAwgI ipRau pRIqmu myrw ]3] (737-13, sUhI, mÚ 5)
sabh kaaman ti-aagee pari-o pareetam mayraa. ||3||
Renouncing all other brides, my Beloved has become my lover. ||3||
pRgitAw sUru joiq aujIAwrw ] (737-14, sUhI, mÚ 5)
pargati-aa soor jot ujee-aaraa.
The sun has risen, and its light shines brightly.
syj ivCweI srD Apwrw ] (737-14, sUhI, mÚ 5)
sayj vichhaa-ee saraDh apaaraa.
I have prepared my bed with infinite care and faith.
nv rMg lwlu syj rwvx AwieAw ] (737-15, sUhI, mÚ 5)
nav rang laal sayj raavan aa-i-aa.
My Darling Beloved is new and fresh; He has come to my bed to enjoy me.
jn nwnk ipr Dn imil suKu pwieAw ]4]4] (737-15, sUhI, mÚ 5)
jan naanak pir Dhan mil sukh paa-i-aa. ||4||4||
O Servant Nanak, my Husband Lord has come; the soul-bride has found peace. ||4||4||
Fair Fight
I have a friend who says she doesn't really trust the friendship until it's been through its first fight and survived. I never really related. Plus you hear that in intimate relationships the fights are worth it just to make up later. That, too, I didn't really understand. In my mind, conflict-free was the ideal.
Then I survived my first real fight in my new relationship and it's been a revelation. I feel closer and more attuned to him that I did before the fight. I trust it--my feelings--more. I trust him more. It's all more real now. He was made to run the gauntlet and he's still standing--and he's still loving. To say I'm impressed is an understatement.
Being able to fight fair is crucial in a relationship. To discern what can be said and what can't; and to be able to stop yourself from saying what should never be said. These are the skills to communicating clearly, consciously and lovingly. It doesn't mean you don't use the sword; a woman's word is her sword. But it means you use it judiciously, carefully, for some words can never be taken back. You use the word to build toward something new--not just tear down something old.
In a new relationship one tends to tread lightly. But then how stable can you be be when you're standing on your tippy toes. When the proverbial rubber meets the road, you begin to see the measure of the man. And in that moment, in his willingness to meet the test, he became a giant. And I'm just enjoying the view, smile.
Renewal
Strange to speak of renewal in the winter I know but each breath, each moment, is an opportunity for renewal. Long ago I gave up on perfection, but it does nag my subconscious a bit when I don't do the things I say I want to do. I have a new sadhana partner which has really helped me renew my Kundalini Yoga practice and given birth to my own personal sadhana for the first time in my 12 year practice. I'm falling in love with those early morning hours--the quiet, the sun rising through the windows, the sliver of moon setting to the northwest.
I'm beginning to understand what people mean when they say their sadhana saved their lives. I think I've been running on luck and fumes for years! But now I'm enjoying the practice and I feel renewed. A new beginning after 12 years! Everything is changing and the practice is holding me steady in the wake of my awakening--love is blooming and my heart is opening and it's exhilarating and terrifying all at the same time.
Along with renewing this blog, and renewing my relationship to love, I'm hoping to renew my writing projects and get things going on my next book that I started more than 3 years ago! While I was in San Francisco I experienced a renewal of my relationship to AA. So although winter is creeping in, it feels like spring!
Meditation on Renewal
breathe in, breathe out
something new, something old
receive and let go
live in the flow
allow life to unfold
love, behold
budding trees against stormy sky
spring comes as
winter draws near
Lesson Learned
More than 12 years ago, I took my first Kundalini Yoga and Sexuality workshop from Sewa Singh Khalsa in Seattle, Washington. It was the beginning of a very long process of transformation. I remember crying, sobbing really, during that first workshop and hearing him say to the men in the room, “Look! See what you have done!” Sewa Singh went on to become one of my first teachers and has had a profound impact on my journey within this dharma. A few years ago at Summer Solstice Sadhana I took his sexuality workshop again and I’m happy to report I laughed (instead of cried) all the way through it. Something had healed within me.
But one of the things he always told me that I never really understood was what to expect from a man. He often said to me, If a man sees you and doesn’t immediately want to serve you and devote his life to you then he’s not worth your time! Well, you can imagine my reaction to such an idea. I mean, we all grow up with fairy tales but this was too much to expect, wasn’t it?
I was a woman who had spent the better part of her life “chasing” men, pouring myself out to them, longing for them, serving them, and then waking up two years later not remembering what I even enjoyed doing anymore; my entire identity having been subsumed by the man in my life. The idea that someone somewhere was out there ready to worship me just by looking at me seemed absurd.
Meanwhile, I finally quit looking. The exhausting search of my 20s and 30s over, I relaxed into my life as a single woman: teaching, training, singing, writing, cooking and laughing, lots of laughing! I still remembered Sewa Singh’s words, but I didn’t put any hope in them—not for myself anyway. I was resigned to a life on my own—and it was a good life. But then one day this fall I sat behind the Siri Guru Granth Sahib and received a message that would change my destiny—and my faith in these teachings.
As a woman in this path we are encouraged to simply radiate and be still, to allow the world, and specifically the man in our life, to orbit us. As someone who was once described as a meteor, you can imagine my dismay. This type of stillness simply wasn’t in my toolbox. Yet, I had surrendered to my life as it was and I was happy; and therein lies the key. Waiting for nothing, I received everything.
I was given this message: “I am sending your husband.” With a skill built over many years, I immediately assessed that this must be a projection of my own ego—a desire. Still something in me was curious. Then I sat down in the sangat and heard the hukam: “The bride has waited in good faith and rejoices for her husband has come.” Well, I couldn’t ignore the two events together and call myself intuitive. But I was cautious; I asked my friends to pray for me because I felt something big was about to happen.
Three weeks later I received an e-mail from a man who will most likely (if I can stay out of the way) become my husband. The Guru’s word fulfilled. And like my teacher once told me, here is a man ready to serve me, love me and devote his life to me—and I had to do what? Nothing.
Now, it would seem that this fairy tale ending is the point; but it’s not. For many of us, being single is who we are and who we will remain. The point is to give yourself to the Guru and be still. Love your life and live your identity. Everything comes and goes in its own time. Be in the flow and grow and glow. This is the way of sahaj; this is the way of the devotee; this is the way of the woman.
(A version of this story appears on the blog I AM A WOMAN)
Labels: love
A Year in the Life
I keep thinking I should just close down this blog; but then I come back to it and realize it's a record of my life. Even as rare as the entries have become, there is a part of me here, on the page, that I don't want to let go of.
So what can happen in a year?
My puppy died.
I produced a new album, Queen Be: The Goddess Within, and grew a lot in the process.
Two of my closest friends moved away; one got married and one moved to Central America.
My family changed a lot: My nephew got married. My niece has a new boyfriend I actually like. My other nephew and I have deep conversations about life and love and faith, which I cherish. My Mom continues to serve and my Dad continues to hang in there. . . . life goes on.
I'm stepping into my identity as a Teacher. One more Immersion course under my belt: 27 days of deep transformation, exhaustion and exhilaration.
I don't write as much as I used to.
I discovered an amazing hike behind my house--where I walk for miles and miles with my dog Vinnie on Saturday mornings.
One year older, and maybe a little bit wiser, but ask my friends whether that's true or not--not me.
365 days, one day at a time, sometimes lonely, mostly not. Enjoying each day as it comes.
What do we learn in a year? That time goes by so quickly and that life is long. And that no matter how many years we have under our belts, we still long for love, for connection, for union.
We still hope.
If anyone still reads this blog--share what you learned this year with me. It's the season of harvest--what lessons have you harvested? What gifts have you reaped? I could use a little wisdom right about now....
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