Greetings from the Land of Enchantment: October 2010

Tuesday, October 12, 2010

transformation and loneliness

Wow--I can't believe it's been since March. I have a work blog that has diverted my attentions and life has been flying by at a clip that I often wonder how I keep up with....Lots of things have happened since March both personally and professionally. I wrote a book that was published this summer, Everyday Grace: The Art of Being a Woman. It's been interesting to see myself stepping into that identity--the graceful woman. I've been teaching a lot, I've gotten to travel some, seen my nephew get married and my other nephew leave for Zambia; my other nephew graduated from High School and my niece is getting her MBA while my other niece gets her master's in Speech Pathology. My final nephew is growing more handsome by the day and studying for pre-med. Big stuff. Oh--and did I mention I turned 42 this year!

I just got back from Mexico City, which I love. The one whom I hold in my heart is there and it was beautiful to see his life in full bloom; it was also nice to meet so many others who live and serve there. Very inspiring.

Meanwhile, my 25th High School Reunion is this weekend--ouch. Need I say more?

So we come to why I was moved to even log in today. . . . I'm lonely. For the first time in a very long time, I'm actually lonely. Something happened to me this summer (the 'event'), which has taken me to the depths of my being, to my very foundations, and I'm still integrating it. My identity is transforming and evolving in ways both unanticipated and unexpected, but not unwelcome.

Earlier this year I had a vision of myself at 42 that was a bit hard to come to terms with: I saw myself really fit--more fit than I had been since my 20s, which given how much I exercise seemed like it must be delusional. I saw myself really happy. I saw myself traveling and teaching. I saw myself at the beginning of an entirely new phase of my life. Well, here I am a few weeks after my birthday (and the 'event') and I've lost all this weight without really trying--just woke up fitting into clothes I haven't fit into in years. People keep saying how radiant I look. And I'm traveling and teaching--and usually the happiness is there, too.

But today? Today I feel a bit lost. Perhaps it's the natural rhythm of things, the low that follows the high. Or perhaps it's a quiet grief for the things I've left behind--not that they aren't better off in the past. But the ego clings to what it knows. Consciousness is much more subtle--fleeting even.

Or perhaps I simply need to sit and create. . . sing a song, write a poem, go for a long walk and experience my world, here in my own heart. Yes, that sounds right. Loneliness will melt away under the gaze of the Beloved, the open, creative heart.