Being Seen
For as long as I can remember, my definition of love has been "to be seen." Maybe because I never felt truly seen by my mother or father. Maybe because I practiced being invisible for so long. Maybe I simply longed to belong, to be recognized. Maybe I'll never know the origins of this definition; but it has been the unattainable wish of the heart for a very long time.I'm now in relationship to someone who sees me. And it's terrifying. Wanting to be seen and being seen are two very different things.
To long to be seen, exposed, vulnerable and the actual experience of being seen, exposed and vulnerable, well, let's just say I want to cover up. Because if he really sees me (as he does), how can he love me? I know myself; everything he sees in me (and is brave enough to tell me), I've seen in myself--years ago. So it's not that what he reveals is shocking to me; it's that my response is to hide. Hide in food; hide in TV; hide anywhere.
Shame. It's origins come from the word "to cover." The old fig leaf is still here, still haunting us. Even in the depths of an intimacy that I never imagined possible for me, it's there. Undermining me, us. Perhaps that's why I process my feelings here, in public, because it's my way of no longer being able to hide. And yet, the reality is that feeling these feelings versus "knowing" them, "processing" them, are very different things as well. As different as longing to be seen and actually being seen.
Today I am uncomfortable in my own skin. I am vulnerable. I am lost. But I trust I will be found, because I have a lover, partner, husband and friend who will not only look for me, but when he finds me, he will see me--and I'll do my best to just keep breathing.
May we open our hearts.
May we be willing to see and be seen.
And may we know that love is in being seen--and in seeing--just keep breathing.
posted by Sat Purkh Kaur Khalsa @ 3:40 PM
3 Comments:
It takes a lot of courage to do what you're doing, to sit in that vulnerability. It takes a lot of emotional maturity to see that vulnerability as healthy...not the unhealthy vulnerability many of us experienced in other relationships. I'm so happy for you to find such courage. Wahe Guru.
This brings up so much for me. It is what I miss so much in my relationship with Yogi Bhajan. The knowing that I was seen and recognized and loved in spite of it all. What comes to mind are our other "teachings" - to see the faults in others and unsee them and to understand with compassion. They seem important pieces to all this seeing, especially when we apply them to ourselves.
You are a brave, courageous, authentic woman and I am honored to know you as a friend.
Thank-you.
Also see Brene Brown - The power of vulnerability
Post a Comment
<< Home