Greetings from the Land of Enchantment: Self-Loathing Run Riot

Friday, March 30, 2012

Self-Loathing Run Riot

In recovery we have a phrase that is used a lot: "self-will run riot". This week it feels more like Self-Loathing Run Riot. I'm meeting my future in-laws next week, which has something to do with my rising anxiety level. But it's also just the nature of being in the polarity known as relationship. I take everything that is good and right in the world and thrust it outward onto the other person. They quickly become a Saint and I become--well, you understand.

But last night I heard something that I really needed to hear. "I refuse to let anything get in the way of me and my Self." And I realized that I was allowing my insecurity, my unresolved shame, and my self-loathing to stand between me and the "sunlight of the spirit"--between me and my higher self. The tone in my friend's voice, the defiance, the courage to stand up to those voices in her head saying she wasn't enough inspired me to do the same. If you haven't listened to the lecture in my last post--do! It's so powerful and from such a different perspective than we yogis, but nonetheless, beautiful and contemplative and profound.

Now that I'm in touch with my shame, it seems to be rearing it's ugly head a lot...but that's just what happens when something is on its way out. It goes out kicking and screaming. But today, at least I'm not kicking and screaming at myself. I'm calm and content--even if I eat too many cookies today!


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