"She's Holding, She's Holding. . . "If you're a trekkie, then you know to what I'm referring. If not, well, you can google it. Right now, I feel like I'm on the deck of the Starship Enterprise, trying to keep all my bits in one piece as I travel at warp speed toward a brave new future.
This morning my beloved called me, "sweet, beautiful, radiant and noble." And I am doing my best to be those things, but I'm beginning to recognize why and how women blow it. My internal response to this outpouring of devotion was, "Ack! I can't be that all the time; it's too much pressure!" My external response was a light-hearted, "I can't keep up!" To which he responded, "Really?" And I knew I was on the edge of blowing it.
The part of me that wants to just let it all hang out, the part of me that is overly attached to the notion of authenticity wants to confess all my misgivings and doubts and shortcomings; just so I can relax. But the part of me who understands the Teachings of Yogi Bhajan knows that giving in to my insecurities and exposing myself in that way, well, it would be unrecoverable.
Whether its real in the moment or not, I must be those things--even when I don't feel that I can. Even when I feel impotent and powerless in the face of my own insecurities and emotional mood swings, I still have to be radiant and beautiful and sweet and noble in his eyes.
So I'm learning that perhaps it's not containing the man that is so challenging, but instead containing our own identity--even when it feels like a scratchy wool coat when we'd rather run around naked in the sun. We have to keep up in order to be kept up!