The End of ShameI may be coming upon the end of something that has only just made itself known in my consciousness--shame. I don't suppose you can be a Western woman and not have your fair share. But I had never been in touch with it; never really understood it.
This weekend I had an epiphany. The phrase that has been running in my head the past few weeks (months, years) which I actually say aloud to myself when I see myself in a mirror lately revealed itself as my definition of shame: "There's something terribly wrong with me." At first I thought I was saying it aloud because I truly haven't been feeling very well lately; but that didn't seem quite right either. Saturday morning I recognized it for what it was--the voice of my shame. All these years it had laid dormant, driving my behaviors and reactions, but never really making itself known to me overtly.
I can talk about polarity versus duality and I know all the right words to say, but within me I still held very deeply a belief about my own duality. A place where even God would not want to go. . . and in the moment I said it I saw my duality. Ang Sang Wahe Guru. And I recognized that even the parts of me that I'm ashamed of don't experience shame; it's simply a game of the ego. My inner child, my inner demons, they don't feel bad about themselves; they just want some room to be, room to breathe. They want me to quit running away so fast; they want to experience the play of life, too. And why not? They've never done anything wrong--they simply are--and they are God. Ang Sang Wahe Guru. It's either true or not true.
So in my consciousness I get to decide. Am I here? Or am I running away? Today, will I allow all the parts of me to exist and to have their own piece of the world, their own spot of sunshine? Or will I push them away from me, disown them, disavow them, send them back into the black hole? They won't be turned away now that they know I know, smile. And what at first feels like a Pandora's Box, simply relaxes into me. With all my various bits--my radiance and my reticence, my shine and my sloth, my strength and my weakness--sitting here with me. I am here--and that is enough.