Greetings from the Land of Enchantment: Living Your Destiny Versus Living Your Fate

Thursday, January 11, 2007

Living Your Destiny Versus Living Your Fate

For years I have always struggled with the idea being the creator of my own destiny. For a long time things just seemed to flow--one right into the other. The next promotion, the next opportunity, the next and the next. And then I entered that dark night of the soul when everything was hard. Nothing came easily (other than the generosity of my family): work, love, friendship, etc. So even though I thought I was following my heart and creating my own life, it all fell apart.

Over the years, various people have triggered these thoughts about my Destiny with random comments or direct feedback. Today my friend and chiropractor said she thought that my life was too small for my soul. That I felt trapped. I had to agree with her. But keeping my life small has always been a way for me to manage my emotional body, which when unmanaged, can be quite devastating. And yet, what do I do with this 'knowing', this sense that my life isn't what it's supposed to be.

I've often just written it off as egotism....the grandiosity that is often associated with the mind of an addict. Yet the longing still hangs around the edges of my consciousness. On the other hand, I've experienced tremendous guilt for not manifesting in some meaningful way the gifts that I've been given: my voice, my intellect, my passion. Will I have to pay some price for not being what God created me to be has often crossed my mind. And yet, even as I write this, it sounds marginally delusional.

How to simply be? Be to be is the mantra of the age. And yet, I'm still asking to be or not to be in my weaker moments.

Maybe I just need to eat more vegetables.


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