TrustIn my office, we have a set of Angel Cards. They're an interesting temperature reading of the interior life. Each day for weeks now, when I ask in my heart of hearts about my beloved, I draw Trust. Which is interesting in light of everything or despite everything--I'm not quite sure which.
Does it mean trust my own feelings? Does it mean trust him? Does it mean trust is an issue, which of course it is? Myriad questions arise--and yet, every day, there it is--trust. My mother has always said about relationships, "if you trust, then don't question; if you don't--run!" But I have so many questions!
And why, in the face of everything in my past, do I still trust? Me--who has been consistently lied to and cheated on in almost every single relationship I've ever been in! Me--who has been consistently hurt by every man I've ever loved. Me--who flies forward, longing to merge, even in the face of heartbreak. How is it possible? Masochism has been suggested (ha!).
To tell you the truth, I have no idea. Love is never rational. And yet, as I get older, I often wonder if reason will someday step in and temper my often overly spontaneous and open heart. Hasn't happened yet...sigh. However, there is a small inner voice that says, wait. Just wait.
I woke up after my post-sadhana nap last week and was hit with such a tremendous sense of grief--true mourning. I was filled with the sense that whatever had transpired between my beloved and I would somehow never be made whole again--that whatever had been was gone and that to forgive one another would prove to be an unbridgeable gap. Everything is possible by guru's grace and yet, my heart wonders. . . .will it be possible? I can't know.
The hukam continually reminds me to simply sing the praises of God and everything else will come into place. In fact, a recent hukam said "sing the praises of the Lord and the heart lotus will be opened." An interesting turn of phrase given my beloved's name. So, I sing. And, I wait. And I keep myself from 'rushing forward where angels fear to tread.' Because if forgiveness is possible and if trust is true, then it must come from the guru, not from any of my own machinations, or self-will, or desire, or even my own prayer.
It's either the hukam or it's not. So I live in the flow of the days and try to align myself with what is.
May we all know happiness
May we all know peace
May we all live and breathe
and trust the hukam,
the lord's command.
And may we love
because of everything
and despite everything
may we love--everything