Greetings from the Land of Enchantment: Birth and Death

Tuesday, December 04, 2007

Birth and Death

So, it's been almost nine months since my current saga began. Which begs the question: What have I given birth to? This morning I feel utterly barren, empty-handed, a dry desert stretched out in front of me. I have cried so long that I am spent. But I know some song on the radio or some look from a friend or passage in a book will start the tears again.

With every ending there is a beginning. I asked my soul last night: Is it really over? And an impish little grin opened in front of my third eye and said, It's only beginning. So I have many more adventures ahead of me; but for now, for today, I will grieve the end of all things--hopes, dreams, stories. The 10-year-old girl's vision that manifested before her very eyes has vanished.

I had a strange dream the other night. I was tied up, bound and gagged, with a gas mask on. It was a strange amalgamation of eroticism and war. I didn't want to be there; and yet I had gone there voluntarily. In another part of the dream sequence--that seemed to be happening simultaneously--my beloved was taking all these yearbook photos. This and that club, President of this, star of that, smiling and hamming it up with his friends. Then suddenly, he was there untying me--saving me. At the time, I didn't really know what the dream meant. It just seemed so very strange. This morning, after yesterday's letter from him, I realized Ah, he's let me go. He's saved me. I would never have been able to let go. In fact, I was so tied up that his letting go was the only thing that could 'save' me. So for that I'm grateful.

This morning I struggle to accept what is (although a small piece of me continues to hold on) and I try to see some future without 'us' in it. My soul has a few ideas so that's a good sign. But I will miss serving him. He's the only man I've ever genuinely loved serving. It actually gave me a thrill to get him a second serving of dinner or dessert. That's 'sad' as he would say, isn't it?

My soul spoke clearly to me when I asked what I'm supposed to learn: He is not Me. So I will turn my attention to serving the god within. And with that, perhaps the sun will return and the horizon will open up to a new day and a new way to be in the world.

May love continue
when all hope is lost
May love grow
despite things seen and unseen
May love ever
dwell in my heart
and fill the void
with the expansive light
of joy and bliss
May love be
and may I be
and may we all be
at peace.


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