Greetings from the Land of Enchantment: Blessing or Curse

Friday, July 18, 2008

Blessing or Curse

I was recently reminded of what it was like to be in your 20s and constantly afraid you were pregnant or alternately, in your 30s, and grieving that you weren't. Each time my period came, a part of me would die. At the time I so wanted a child that every cycle was just a reminder to me of what I didn't have, wouldn't have--yet. Hope can be a beautiful thing--but it can also be extraordinarily lonely.

Now that I'm about to turn 40, I welcome my cycle as a gift--a reminder that I'm still a woman. And yes, that there's still a chance. I know, I know. I recognize how sad it sounds. But when you're my age and you try to be realistic and say, "Well, it's probably just not in the cards," everyone looks at you as if you've just cursed them (or made them eat a sour apple): "What? You're not going to keep hoping?" As if my hope in some way affected their perspective of me? Or worse, somehow my hope supported their own wishes. . . . who knows?

I just know it's an interesting thing to observe. Like the saying: Good, bad, who knows? What was so painful 10 years ago is now a blessing--until it's gone. And then it will just change again. Revisionist history? or just evolving identity? Who can say?

Like anything, it's just the story we attach to things that creates the reality. Perhaps I should take it as encouraging that much of what I thought was once painful and full of grief will over time become a source of my happiness.


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