Greetings from the Land of Enchantment: Giving and Taking--Stopping and Starting

Friday, May 16, 2008

Giving and Taking--Stopping and Starting

I have a long history of giving myself to people who for their own reasons don't want to receive me. I give and give and give and they take when they're in the mood or when it serves their own ends. For a long time I berated myself--back and forth and back and forth--for why I'm built this way. But then I realized, this is my Mother Nature; my inherent, natural capacity; my Shakti power; it is who I am as a woman. There's nothing wrong in the giving--only in the choice of the object to give it to. So, on my way to Santa Fe last night I found my self repeating aloud--at the top of my lungs--I give myself permission to give myself to the one who wants to receive me.

One of my teachers says that I should quit trying to choose an object--and just give, just love. Be the goddess that gives freely, without discrimination. But my ego is attached to the idea of one--that special one--to give myself to. I don't know what's in the cards, but for now, I do know that life is too short to continue offering myself to those who don't want what's offered. I'm sure they get more tired of refusing than I do of offering--so I'm stopping. I'm just stopping.

Wow--I already feel more relaxed. The greatest gift of my trip to India (which I know I've been remiss in sharing my stories here--apologies--but work is a bit overwhelming since my return) was the deep, panic-driven, god-shaped hole was either filled or removed. I have a sense of completeness, wholeness, integrity that I haven't felt since I was a child. The restlessness dropped away, the need. But this old habit continues to emerge from my subconscious--this thought that believes it needs something outside myself, this thought that continually takes me down dead-end streets, this thought that gets me lost in the wilderness. So, I'm stopping the thought. I'm stopping the action that comes from the thought. And eventually, I may be able to let go of whatever it is in me that causes the thought in the first place. Until then, I'm staying stopped.

And I'm starting something new . . . . more will be revealed.


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