"She's Holding, She's Holding. . . "
If you're a trekkie, then you know to what I'm referring. If not, well, you can google it. Right now, I feel like I'm on the deck of the Starship Enterprise, trying to keep all my bits in one piece as I travel at warp speed toward a brave new future.
This morning my beloved called me, "sweet, beautiful, radiant and noble." And I am doing my best to be those things, but I'm beginning to recognize why and how women blow it. My internal response to this outpouring of devotion was, "Ack! I can't be that all the time; it's too much pressure!" My external response was a light-hearted, "I can't keep up!" To which he responded, "Really?" And I knew I was on the edge of blowing it.
The part of me that wants to just let it all hang out, the part of me that is overly attached to the notion of authenticity wants to confess all my misgivings and doubts and shortcomings; just so I can relax. But the part of me who understands the Teachings of Yogi Bhajan knows that giving in to my insecurities and exposing myself in that way, well, it would be unrecoverable.
Whether its real in the moment or not, I must be those things--even when I don't feel that I can. Even when I feel impotent and powerless in the face of my own insecurities and emotional mood swings, I still have to be radiant and beautiful and sweet and noble in his eyes.
So I'm learning that perhaps it's not containing the man that is so challenging, but instead containing our own identity--even when it feels like a scratchy wool coat when we'd rather run around naked in the sun. We have to keep up in order to be kept up!
Weddings and things
I'm getting married. Never truly believed I'd be saying those words, especially at this point in my life. But there they are. And there he is, Abhai Raj Singh Ji, aka Pete Luellen, a lovely man who loves banjos (and me!).
He asked me early in the morning on December 31st, on a small hill out in the arroyos here in New Mexico. I was short of breath and cold as he began making his way down the path again until he turned to me and asked, Will you marry me? And I said, Yes. What a way to start the new year!
Thir Gar Baiso--the guru has arranged all my affairs--and I have to keep that in mind as we begin planning the wedding. Picking the wedding date has been the first of what I can only assume will be a plethora of decisions that we will have to change and adapt to. We had the "perfect" date and then his family couldn't come. We had a second "perfect" date, and my family couldn't come. So now we just have a date--and hopefully it will be perfect enough, just because our families can be here.
I woke up this morning from the first of what I can only pray will be very few wedding anxiety dreams--something about the dress--and so, the game has begun! The question is, Do I have the nervous system for it? I think I'm going to have to up the ante on my sadhana to make it through the whole thing--and still have fun! And that's the most important thing--the fun!
My niece is getting married this spring and she wanted a small, intimate family wedding, simply because she had witnessed so many big affairs in which the bride was an absolute basket! Last night I too was lobbying for an elopement, but in the end, we're hoping the big affair will be worth it.
At my age it's a bit embarrassing to admit that I still want the big party and the big dress; but I do. Having never married before, and having it come to me in such a magical way, I want to honor it by celebrating it with my family and friends and sangat. So--we're off!
Wish us luck!