Greetings from the Land of Enchantment: The Past 24 Hours

Sunday, March 04, 2007

The Past 24 Hours

Have really been a struggle. . . .I'm in my cozy apartment last night looking at piles of clothes, an empty suitcase, and dirty dishes. I have flashbacks to my late twenties when I had to travel for work all the time. Those weren't my best years to put it mildly. I had borderline (and often full-blown) panic attacks, but at least back then I had prescription and nonprescription medication to calm me down--these days? Nadda. Just me and myself and my neurosis. Oh and a few friends. I called an old friend who back in the day used to help me pack for these trips that I couldn't seem to get ready for. . . . she said, just breathe--you should be good at that by now. Leave it to Tamara to be a smart-ass even when her friend is on the phone hyperventilating and crying--ha! I definitely needed a little comic relief.

Now, this wasn't just typical travel phobia, which I have to a certain mild degree. It was full-blown, I-don't-think-I-can-do-this sobbing; planning to hide in the bathroom; somehow trying to find a way to get out of it. But instead, I packed one thing at a time, called several friends, stayed up until midnight, and somehow managed to get up on time, wash the remaining dishes, make my bed and get to Santa Fe for the shuttle--crying the entire way.

For those of you who may not know the source of my distress, I have a very intense job; I have three pets at home that I worry about when I'm gone; the guy I work with didn't have my project that I hoped to work on while I'm here in Virginia ready until the morning I'm leaving for the airport!; oh, and did I mention I'm recording a CD this week with Spirit Voyage. Whatever brought me to this place must have known that I was ready, but my psyche/body/brain hasn't quite caught up to it.

It's funny; you think you know yourself. You think you understand the limits of your capacities, the extent of your neurosis, the quirks of your character; that is until you come under a different kind of pressure, a new circumstance that pushes a button that you thought you'd buried so deeply it would never need to be pushed--at least not in this lifetime anyway. Well, here I am being pushed. I've made it through the hardest part--getting here!

Wish me luck!


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