The CliffhangerSo much to say and so little time to write. I continue to wrestle with my dark side; but this week has brought a lot of progress and sense of lightness of being, which is rare for this earth-bound monkey. I still have a hard time trusting--myself, the universe, other people. And that's the question put to me this week: Do you trust God to restore you? to take care of you? As Yogiji says, "The one who revolves the planets will take care of your routine." And yet, I don't even trust that anyone will show up to help me move this Saturday!
I feel so very far from God right now that trying to figure out whether I trust God seems a moot point, but in fact, I just need to figure out if I can trust 'just enough'--not perfectly--to get me through these dark days.
For the first time in my life, I'm finally willing to look at why I attract into my life the things, people, and situations that I attract. There is a strong chance that I was harmed as a child. And my willingness to finally look at it means major progress--and yet it seems that once again I'm holding a double-edged sword. On one side, I feel such tremendous relief at my willingness to look and realize I won't die in the act of looking. On the other, I'm so incredibly angry that my life and the choices I've made--consciously and unconsciously--could have come from something and someone that I don't even remember. It's incredulous to me--and yet, there it is.
So, here I am--still here, still alive, still kicking. Now to figure out how to just sit--still.