Greetings from the Land of Enchantment

Anger Talks Back

So I was at the movies this weekend and got verbally assaulted by some random guy that thought we were talking too loudly--during the previews! Come on! Nevertheless, it was the universe talking back; it was god showing me how angry I really am. God getting all up in my face, calling me a cow.

It was scary; but not nearly as scary as the fact that a part of me wanted him to hit me. Part of me wanted the situation to escalate. I almost went there and then didn't. Because just as he was not acting out toward 'me', someone he doesn't even know, I wouldn't have been suffering at his hands, but my own and I don't want to sign up for hurting myself anymore.

I am so angry. I am so hurt. And I don't want to turn away from it anymore, just so that I can be 'good', okay, secure, whatever--anything but what I am. I'm furious. I'm full of fear. I'm sad, a sadness that sometimes feels will have no bottom, no end. But I know that there is no exit. There is nothing to fix. I just need to stay here--keep touching the feeling--without distracting myself.

This is the first principle of dharma. And it is the hardest principle to conform to. How to stop the lifelong habit of the ego to cling to hope, happiness, outcomes? And instead, just rest in the middle? Rest in the uneasiness of being alone--again? Look at the self-hate and self-criticism and self-loathing and just say, Oh yes, I remember that and not feed it any longer. How do we do that? How do I do that?

My mantra over the past few days has been: Abandon hope and live free of fear. Harmonize with your surroundings. And as I repeat it, I visualize myself naked, standing before my creator--the sunlight of the spirit shining down on me--singing my 'sa'. The visualization began with me as a child standing before God; over the past few days of meditating on it, I have grown into a woman and I have become that same God looking down upon me. I'm considering this a sign of progress.

So, here I stand
naked before myself,
before my God
with nothing to cling to

my hair hangs down
my back
my arms are spread wide
and my voice
calls out its
original sound
Saaaaaaaaaa
out into the vastness
of the light

and as I sing
I listen
and the whole
universe calls back to me
its own original sound

Maaaaaaaaaaa

Waaaaaaaaaah

Haaaaaaaaaaaa

the earth sings
its song
ecstasy sings
her song
the breath sings
his song

sing along

Saaaaaaaaaaaaa

posted by Sat Purkh Kaur Khalsa @ 4:31 PM