Greetings from the Land of Enchantment: The morning after

Monday, January 07, 2008

The morning after

. . . there's got to be a morning after. Remember that old 70s song? I don't know why it came to me suddenly. I guess because it's a conundrum. Life in its relentless, glorious way continues on--even when we don't choose it.

Friday was dark--evidently for a lot of people. A friend of a friend ended her life on Friday. It brought my own recent emotional mire into stark relief. Thanks to friends who can listen without attachment, I'm able to look at the truth behind all the lies and wrong-thinking that make up my current mental/emotional state.

A friend and I were discussing what had happened and she looked at me and said, "if you have truly surrendered, if you are truly on a spiritual path, suicide is not an option." Because I've struggled with depression a few times in my life, as I'm struggling now, I said "but being depressed and searching for a spiritual solution often go hand-in-hand, it doesn't mean that the search wasn't genuine if the result was that they were unable to overcome their depression and ended their life." And even though she agreed somewhat with my supposition, she also cut my argument to shreds. She said it was about humility. If you no longer want to struggle with the question of living and dying, then you have to be humble. I have to allow myself to 'not know'. I have to take the 'meaning' of life off the table. It's not longer a question I can ask. Put simply, I have to accept life on life's terms, which I've never been good at. But it was a clean bright sword through my own dark dreams, my persistent resistance to life.

I am not the one in control.


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