Greetings from the Land of Enchantment: Turning the Page

Monday, December 24, 2007

Turning the Page

I've been meditating on this metaphor for most of the weekend. I found out on Friday that the one I've called my beloved, the one I thought was my true husband, the one I've said an ardas for everyday for the past nine months, has already started seeing someone else. And knowing that he can move on so quickly is so . . . I don't even have words for it. He says lots of beautiful things about what we had, but I just don't know anymore. I tend to think of it all as a dream that turned into a nightmare.

He's not the man I thought he was. But then no man ever has been.

Why, then, can't I seem to turn the page? It's such a clean metaphor. If in a journal, it is the clean white page, waiting to be written. If in a book, it is the end of a chapter and the beginning of a new one. You don't turn back several pages and begin again. You simply start the next chapter. What's in the past is in the past.

For me, the past is surely to be my future if I don't change (emphasis on the 'I'). I've repeated this pattern with men for as long as I can remember. So to truly turn the page, I've got a bit of work to do. It's perfect timing. The darkness is passing; the light is returning; the calendar is changing; and I'll be in a new house for the new year. It's not that I want to pretend that all things will be made new--like that--at the flip of a page, the snap of a finger. But that I'm going to give myself a chance. I'm not going to stop before the miracle--my very own Christmas miracle.


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