Greetings from the Land of Enchantment: One Day at a Time

Friday, December 14, 2007

One Day at a Time

No--not the show from the 70s. smile. My life today. . .trying to live and laugh one day at a time.

My last serious relationship brought me into the doors of recovery and a life of sobriety. This newest loss is bringing me to the doors of therapy and another level of emotional sobriety and recovery. I'm finally beginning to recognize that the only thing in common in all my failed relationships is me--ha! I can no longer point the finger, unless it's pointing back at me.

I've been struggling; I admit. The loss feels so incredibly sharp right now. But I'm ready to shift and yet I'm finding it hard to make it happen. I have to wait upon grace and until then, I just have to keep reminding myself to keep up! I was reading my favorite pages from the Big Book (of Alcoholics Anonymous) and there was a line that struck me in a new way last night because it mirrored exactly something that my beloved said to me: "I know what you want, everyone does." From the Big Book: "Is it not evident to all the rest of the players that these are the things he wants?"

The interesting thing is that my denial is so strong that I can honestly say I don't know what it is I want--even when everyone around me knows! This leads to the conclusion "Is he not, even in his best moments, a producer of confusion rather than harmony?" How, you ask, can I not know what I want after all this time? Because I so want to please and be accepted that I bend myself to the circumstances rather than having the strength and the courage to wait for the circumstances to meet me.

All of this longing and desire inevitably pushes people away; the pressure is unfair and they naturally run from it. No human being should be asked to fill my 'god-shaped hole'.

So here I am again, touching bottom and searching for air. One thing that has been revealed to me throughout this entire process is my grace, the gift I've been given: my willingness to continue touching the stone, continue returning to prayer, to faith, to hope--even in the face of disbelief, anger, and despair. I continue to come back, returning again and again to the fountain of hope that is God, that is faith, that is life.

I will live through this and I will come out on the other side truer, brighter, and more myself, which is the entire game--coming to the core of our authentic self. It has been my quest for as long as I can remember. So, here's to the journey. And in the words of Nina Simone, "it's a new dawn, it's a new day, it's a new life for me and I'm feeling good."


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