Greetings from the Land of Enchantment: what is true

Tuesday, December 11, 2007

what is true

There's a line in the Big Book that says, 'we could no longer differentiate the true from the false.' And even though I've been recovered for a long time now, I'm back at this point, back at the beginning. Trying to sift through the layers of my consciousness to figure out what's actually true and what is my twisted perspective on things.

My purpose in relationships is to practice compassion and to serve and yet, when I'm upset, I find myself reverting back to old habits: suspicion, doubt, cynicism. So when my former 'beloved' asked yesterday, "how are you doing?" I had to ask myself--why are you reacting? Why are you assigning negative motives to this person you supposedly 'love'? How did this toxic soup get generated from such sweet beginnings, such fine ingredients? And can it ever be restored? The kindness, the love, the warmth?

I honestly don't know. It all feels so irretrievably lost, which fills me with despair--not because I'm not getting what I want, but because it literally makes me sick to think ill of him, to not continue falling in love with him, to question what we had. Is he just being a man and I don't know how to relate and reflect that as a woman? Is he just not ready? Or is he simply not the right guy for me? I honestly don't know. I do know that he was right, though. To let go. To allow the conversation to end. For only then can it begin again.

It fills me with so much grief to realize that I still don't know how to do this thing called love. I believed I had more grace on my side this time; I believed I had a truer sense of myself; I believed I could love and be loved. But evidently I still have a lot to learn.

What is true
is that I loved you
and love you still
yet I don't
know how to love
and until that
breach is covered
and crossed
all is lost
and can only be found
by turning within
to this hallowed ground
of the self and the soul
becoming whole


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