40 Days with DurgaWell, I completed my 40-day sadhana this morning at 4am....It was an auspicious time to do my final reading of Chandi di Vaar for this sadhana and to follow it with Japji Sahib, the Song of the Soul. I feel like the intention and prayer that I entered into this sadhana with has been answered. I wanted the demons removed from my life--and they have been removed. They just weren't the demons I was expecting. My demons were very close to home. And as hard as it has been to see it and accept it, I'm so grateful. I feel as if I've been saved from a lifetime of heartache and misery.
It's interesting to reflect on the strange ways of the heart. At one point early on, I looked at the tratakum of Yogiji and I said, This is what I want. And he looked at me and said, Okay, you can have him, but you will experience a lot of pain. And at the time, I signed up. My heart cried out, Better pain with him than happiness without him.
So, you see, the demon rested within me. That part of me that would rather suffer than be happy; that part of me that believed I deserved this--or at least didn't deserve anything better; that part of me that is soooo accustomed to being loyal in the face of neglect and hurtful behavior. And also that part of me that is attached to the story. He fit my story--and I signed on without asking any questions.
Now I know that happiness on my own is so precious that I will never trade it in again for the mirage, the dream of happiness elsewhere. And I also know that whatever demons remain are also my own. There is nothing outside of me. There is only me. So I have no hard feelings toward him or remorse for what happened. These old demons have been rooted out and I now have the opportunity to rest in the truth of my own experience, my own happiness and joy, arising naturally with each breath, with each rise of the sun.
My life has now begun.