Yogi Bhajan's Birthday Celebration
Well, it's been a flury of activities this weekend and I was honored to be a part of it all. Friday night began with the 31 minute meditation followed by a class with Gurucharan
Singh and Snatam Kaur. I was asked to sing along and it was a wonderful evening.
The following evening was the party. Several musicians had been asked to write an original song for the event. My song was well-received and I hope to record it and post it for you here at some p0int in the future. It speaks to all of us who consider ourselves Yogi Bhajan's students and yet never actually met him. And that number will of course be growing over the years. So in the context of his birthday anniversary, I think it worked well and moved a lot of people.
There was dancing and food and music and a good time was had by all. The evening party was followed by the morning sadhana: 2 1/2 hours of Long Ek Ong Kaar, or Morning Call. It was a great vibration to be in, as usual, and the rest of my day floated along that sound current.
I spent the rest of the day in Abiquiu working with my friends Prabhu Jot and Gian Kaur, helping them catch up on things. . . .it was nice to be away, in the country for a while, and catch up with friends. The weekend was topped off by my belated birthday present from Devi Dyal--Tickets to Diana Krall at the Opera House. It was lovely, even with the storm and the rain. We arrived just in time to catch the shuttle to the opera house, we sat down and within minutes the evening began. This beautiful open-air theatremade for a bit of a chilly evening with the storm blowing through, but it was lovely just the same.
40 Days with Durga
Well, I completed my 40-day sadhana this morning at 4am....It was an auspicious time to do my final reading of Chandi di Vaar for this sadhana and to follow it with Japji Sahib, the Song of the Soul. I feel like the intention and prayer that I entered into this sadhana with has been answered. I wanted the demons removed from my life--and they have been removed. They just weren't the demons I was expecting. My demons were very close to home. And as hard as it has been to see it and accept it, I'm so grateful. I feel as if I've been saved from a lifetime of heartache and misery.
It's interesting to reflect on the strange ways of the heart. At one point early on, I looked at the tratakum of Yogiji and I said, This is what I want. And he looked at me and said, Okay, you can have him, but you will experience a lot of pain. And at the time, I signed up. My heart cried out, Better pain with him than happiness without him.
So, you see, the demon rested within me. That part of me that would rather suffer than be happy; that part of me that believed I deserved this--or at least didn't deserve anything better; that part of me that is soooo accustomed to being loyal in the face of neglect and hurtful behavior. And also that part of me that is attached to the story. He fit my story--and I signed on without asking any questions.
Now I know that happiness on my own is so precious that I will never trade it in again for the mirage, the dream of happiness elsewhere. And I also know that whatever demons remain are also my own. There is nothing outside of me. There is only me. So I have no hard feelings toward him or remorse for what happened. These old demons have been rooted out and I now have the opportunity to rest in the truth of my own experience, my own happiness and joy, arising naturally with each breath, with each rise of the sun.
My life has now begun.
Book Review
Falling Man by Don DeLilloTwo of my favorite books are by Don DeLillo: White Noise and Underworld. Both radically different from one another, but brilliant nonetheless. He makes his mark once again as a master of the craft in his new book Falling Man. This lyrical observation of the events and characters surrounding the falling of the Twin Powers reads like a song. Unlike his other books that are profuse--wordy even--this book is thin and subtle, but deep.
Themes of loss--memory, marriage, childhood--thread throughout the narrative. But in a light way--as if the characters were all waltzing. Lightly moving through tragedy. The vacuum created by the towers is mirrored in the lives of these characters -- after the fall. Complete inner and outer worlds fall away.
He doesn't give in to the rhetoric surrounding that period--everything will be different, the kindness of strangers, etc.--although everything is different and his characters become completely "out of character," starting fights with people, abandoning careers, children searching the skies. I found his description of these particular people much more telling about human response to tragedy than the euphemisms that spread about immediately after the fall of the towers.
Haunting images, deftly defined characters, and subtle exploration of life and living--after the fall. Highly recommend.
Labels: book reviews
The Sociopath Next Door
I haven't read this book, but someone told me about it and I recently saw a reference to it; synchronicity always tells me to investigate. So, I'm planning on picking it up soon because I think there's one in my circle of acquaintances and I need to know the signs, if there are clear ones to look for.
As a person who for the most part is pretty open and trusting--and growing more so all the time (despite recent circumstances)--it's hard to imagine the kind of mind that can lie so blatantly to another person, especially someone they claim to care about. It leads me to believe that perhaps they don't even know they're lying. Perhaps their reality is so split that they can say one thing to one person and another to another and believe that 'neither the twain shall meet.' Or perhaps it is cold-hearted manipulation? Who can say? But perhaps this book will shed a little light on the kind of personality that is capable of such duplicity.
Of course, I have a bit of experience with lying myself. As a recovered addict, I discovered how much I was lying to myself, to others, and didn't even realize it. DENIAL--don't even know I am lying. The first words out of my mother's mouth when I told her I was getting sober were: "Thank God--you were always such a liar." Needless to say this came as a shock to me, but over the coming weeks, months, and years, I've learned how much I lied to myself and others. How deeply ingrained the habit of my mind was. In fact, the first time I said I would do something and then did it was like a revelation to me--the key to integrity and aligning myself with myself. It was amazing! And even now, I lie to myself. I don't see the things I don't want to see; I don't trust the inner voice; I rebel. And it is that self-centered rebellion that dogs me. That makes me slip up. That takes me out of integrity.
May the rebellion dogs
lie still at the foot of the fire
of truth
May the eyes be wide open
and may the flaming sword
cut away all deception
May the heart be soft enough
to hear the unstruck sound
of truth
May the Self align
with the Higher Self
of truth
The Morning After
There are days in history that everyone remembers. Where were you when JFK was shot? or John Lennon?--depending on your generation. Yesterday is a day that I will remember and be grateful for, for the rest of my days. Someone saved my life. No, I wasn't pulled out from in front of a bus. I wasn't kept from drinking poison--or any of the other scenarios from books and movies. I was simply told the truth--and as the saying goes, the truth shall set you free. Today is Liberation Day. Celebrate with me!
I could focus on the lies and the betrayal. I could focus on the pain. But I have already been through enough pain; I don't plan on spending another minute, hour, or day suffereing.
May you celebrate
the truth--
even when it's hard
liberation is not for the weak
May you never
be afraid to look--
and finally, to see
liberation is not for the weak
May you revel
in your true nature--
wild and free
But know --
liberation is not for the weak
so Be Strong
Movie Review
StardustWhile the fantasy genre is not my typical fare, I thoroughly enjoyed this romantic-comedy-fantasy flick. Claire Danes is going to be immortalized--as is the film in my opinion. Along the lines of the Princess Bride, this movie is smart, funny, and brilliantly conceived.
A tale of discovering true love--especially when it's right in front of you--and the journey it takes to know that true love demands nothing, no evidence, no proof, no question, but rather, a simple wish that the love be received and perhaps returned.
There are few films of this genre that have pulled it off; this is one of them. The cameo roles of DeNiro and O'Toole are priceless; as too the performance of Michelle Pfeiffer, returning to play a witch, and she still has it, after all these years.
I highly recommend this film--Go see it!
playing in the rain
Part of the work I've been doing lately has put me in touch with my inner child--my essence or
antar--and the truest expression of my nature is to be spontaneous. At the meditation the other evening, it began to pour--not just sprinkle--but pour. Great big drops of rain! The pavement became a river. And as all the adults huddled under umbrellas and shelters, Sat Kartar Kaur, the child in the photo, began twirling and dancing and rolling around in the rain. And it looked so appealing--the pavement was still warm from the afternoon sun, the rain was cool, there was a tropical feel in the air. As I watched her, I said aloud, Wow--we should join her! She looks like she's having so much fun! Everyone around me said, You First! And so finally, I joined her and laid down in the rain. She laughed and looked into my eyes and said, 'I don't even have a change of clothes!' And I had to admit I didn't either. . . .But it felt great to be so spontaneous--so alive.
In the photo I'm wringing out my kirta, which was literally drenched, as if someone had poured a bucket of water over me!
I felt the rain was Yogiji's blessing and it felt wonderful to allow that blessing to literally rain down upon me.
May we all be willing
to receive the blessing
even at the cost of
making a fool of ourselves
May we all be willing
to experience the child
within and laugh
and dance in the rain
May you be blessed
to stare into the eyes
of a child and be
utterly disarmed--
with no change of clothes. . .
Fireside Sopurkhs
There's a local spot here called Ojo Caliente. It's been around for years and is known for the healing qualities of its waters. I go there pretty often--especially on Tuesdays, when there's a special for locals--but any weekday after 6pm is pretty reasonable and it's great to go after work when things begin to cool down here in Northern New Mexico.
Lately, I've been taking the time to sit by the bonfire after soaking and recite my Sopurkhs. This is a prayer for the godly man. You can do it for the men already in your life as a prayer to uplift and elevate them; or you can do it to attract a godly man into your life. We recite the verse 11 times; it takes about 20 minutes usually.
There's something very powerful about reciting it as I stare into the fire, sitting out beneath the stars. My mentors continually remind me to make God my lover, my beloved. And these fireside Sopurkhs are beginning to to do just that. It's as if the entire creation, all that is God, has become a sensual feast. Every breath a kiss. Each spark of the fire, the light of my lover's eyes; the cool breeze, his touch.
May we become
alive to all that is
May we awaken to our senses
and delight in every
flower, every drop
of rain, every buzz
of the bee,
every quiet nod
of the dove's peaceful
countenance, every
nudge of the cat's head, every
wag of the dog's tail.
May we play in the rain
and laugh with the thunder.
May we know the God
in everything
May the entire creation
become our beloved
found truths
We've moved offices this week and moving always gives you an opportunity to find lost things, get rid of things you no longer want, and smile a few times at the things you decide to keep.
I found a list I created in the Authentic Relationships course last year--perhaps if I had found it sooner, I wouldn't be where I am today. It's a short list of principles for creating and sustaining a relationship. Here's my list:
Creating
Be Yourself
Be Open
Be Steady
Be Playful
Be in Prayer
Sustaining
Be Kind
Relish the differences
Respect yourself & one another
Look for the best in each other
Be in Prayer
After what I've discovered about myself these past few months; things my beloved kindly showed me--and was right about every time!--I would add don't live in fear. It is a 'corrosive thread' that seems to affect everything until it's made conscious. It becomes the lens through which everything is viewed until you're aware of it.
I give myself permission today to renounce fear and to live in love. May all obstacles dissolve so this this manifests in harmony.
May you find some
truth tucked away
in some drawer somewhere
that you'd perhaps
forgotten and set aside
May that truth inform
your day, every day
so that you don't have
to learn it again
and again
May some happy surprise
or long-forgotten memento
remind you to love
remind you of who you are
remind you of the beloved
And may you always
be grateful for those things
that have changed you
reflected you
and uplifted you
to be who you really are. . . .
Sat Nam.
Oh to Be . . .
Last night I sat around my house watching my cats be cats. What a miracle they are! They are absolutely, perfectly cats. Nothing else. And too, my dog is absolutely, perfectly a dog. There's no hesitation, no doubt, no second-guessing. Would that I could simply, absolutely, and perfectly be a woman. No hesitation, no doubt, no second-guessing.
I've been reading Don Miguel Ruiz' The Mastery of Love and he speaks just to this topic. That when we are children we are perfectly and absolutely ourselves--boys and girls--completely absorbed in the process of love--living. When we experience pain or fear we cry or run away; but then when it's over, it's over and we continue on, exploring our world, creatively expressing our relationship with the world. As we grow older, we lose that capacity to be in the present moment. Memory and expectation distort our experience of the present.
The mind is built to expect--it is the job of the negative mind to anticipate. So, too, it is the job of the positive mind to 'add'--remember when this hurt last year, last week, yesterday? And to project that same experience. The job of mastery is to see the perspectives of both minds and go to zero--neutral mind--and from that place of mastery act creatively and consciously.
Similarly, the heart must respond from a neutral, self-contained place that knows that all the love we believe we need comes only from our Self. And what a joy to be able to share that with another person, but without any delusion that the other person is the one providing the love.
In my life as a single person, I seemed to have mastered this 'love'. I am happy, content, full of creativity and expansion. However, I've witnessed over the past weeks and months that my pattern in relationships distorts this innate happiness that I cultivate on my own. Somewhere that happiness and self-love gets lost in translation. So this is the work. The task of the heart to simply be--even in the face of loving another person.
Oh to be a woman
just a woman
expansive, flexible, creative
cool, contained, and content
To know that love
lies within
To experience that love
alone--or in the presence
of another
and never lose touch with
the source--the true
beloved
Oh to be
living in the miracle
of every day
the gift of this breath
this breeze, this scent
this touch, this color
this smile, this kindness
Oh to be a woman
free
Reframing
I speak openly about my sobriety because I want people to know that recovery is possible--and that life can be good again. In my post this morning, I spoke of my healing process and its relation to dropping pain. What I failed to mention is the greater context in light of my recovery.
The most challenging thing to recognize in this entire process has been my own 'stuff'. And when it finally dawned on me, it was devastating--to see the depth of my addiction as expressed in relationship--after so many years of recovery. I liked to think of myself as recovered--from that "seemingly hopeless state of mind and body"--and yet now, I face that same need for surrender and acceptance, the need to go through the process yet again in light of my approach to intimacy and relationship.
These past few months have shown me myself in ways that I never would have seen had I not taken the leap of faith and loved, freely and openly. I would never have seen the twists in my own heart: the attachment, the greed, the self-centeredness. But I also would never have had the opportunity to heal: to uncover the root and get an opportunity to dig it out, so that by God's grace, should I get the opportunity to love again, I can approach it with a new awareness, a new openness, a new level of trust, and a new consciousness.
I'm so grateful to have seen myself--to have had the opportunity to behold myself in the mirror of another's eyes and see those things that had been hidden for so long. Only love could have revealed it. Only love could have uncovered it. And only love can heal it.
And yes, we cannot stop in the face of pain. We must continue to move forward and allow the momentum of change to clear the path behind us and open the future before us. And as we move along the path, continue to drop things, slough off the old and make room for the new.
I don't even recognize myself in the mirror anymore. Someone asked me last night, "how can you look so good if you're in so much pain?" And I said, I have no idea! But I think for once the inside is having to catch up with the outside. Because I don't recognize the inside anymore either. Everything old is new again. And the question remains, Who am I?
In visions, in my essence, I am a wild woman--hair flying behind me riding a dragon or bare-breasted hair flying in all directions shouting into the wind. And yet, here I am contained and content, striving to express myself in this small way, put this big voice into this small frame.
Wild Woman--
who you are
and who you will be
--always and ever
free
Wild Woman--
sing your song
howl to the moon
swim in the current
of ever-flowing
love
Wild Woman--
forget not
the dark night
or the vast sky
that lies within
--fly!
Wild Woman--
hair flying free
be to be
and all that is good
and bad becomes one
--infinity
Wild Woman--
love and love
and love until
it breaks your heart
and all that is old becomes
new
Wild Woman--be you!
Dropping the Pain
For my birthday this year, I got several healing treatment, spent a lot of time by myself, and also reached out to a few friends. One of the healing treatments was particularly lifechanging. A lot of things came up and moved out.
I've brought to all my relationships, but especially intimate ones, a lot of pain, expectation, grief, loss--stuff that doesn't necessarily break good ground for a future. In my healing work over the weekend, I recognized that my beloved and I are both in the process of trying to drop the pain of the past. And even though that is our pure intention, to bring something new and delightful into one another's lives, we've instead brought the same patterns of pain into our own dynamic.
So for now, we've had to let go in order to clear the pain from our lives, our own paths, and to figure out what it is we want. In the Laavan, the marriage ceremony is described so beautifully as a path to balancing the sun and the moon, harmonizing the male and female, and joining together rather than just traveling parallel lives.
I still hope for that flower to bloom in relation to my beloved; but in order for anything to bloom, the soil has to be prepared and we each have so much pain to drop and so much to learn about how to actually relate to 'the beloved' in ourselves and in one another.
May all pain and sorrow
depart and may the
art of love
bloom in our hearts
May consciousness prevail
May the light of the universe
dwell within us
and shine through us
May forgiveness become
as natural as breathing
and may our prayers
be answered
May love live on
in our hearts
and may the circle
of infinity bring love
home to me.
Happy Birthday to Me
Welcome to my last official birthday--39! I asked the barista this morning how old she thought I was--and God bless her!--she said 31. . . .but then she's only 19, what does she know of age--yet!
It's odd to be on the cusp of 40 and still not feel like I've grown up yet; learned how to operate in this vast, complicated yet simple matrix that is the world; figured out who I am--after all this time. In part it's because I've never started a family, which is a tremendously grounding thing to participate in. Those days you feel lost or don't know who you are, your husband or your kids remind you--Wife! Mom! So how to find identity without all the social cues that normally accompany this stage of life? Return again and again to the identity that is within us all--Sat Nam. Truth.
Yet at this point in my life, ideals don't have the same kind of fuel they used to. I can't get fired up for justice. Self-righteousness has run its course. There's so little time, at this point I want only a little tenderness, a small kindness from a friend, a soft touch from a lover.
I do have enough of the idealist in me to make this one request, however. This year--in honor of my last official birthday--I'd like to ask that instead of calling or sending a card--or even if you don't know me, but read this blog occassionally--please donate to Yogi Bhajan's Library of Teachings. This is a project I do still believe in. He brought us "Sat Nam" and so much more. Please go to www.kriteachings.org and donate: $1, $100, $1000, don't let me limit you! And let them know it's in honor of my last official birthday (smile).
Blessings to you on this day
of all days
May the road before you
always turn toward the sun
And may the nights
bring you stars to
guide your way
May you always have a
friend to accompany you
on your way
And when the days are lonely
may you always carry the
Friend within
May you love, may you love
may you love!
And may love return to you
in a thousand small ways
May you raise your voice
in song, and may that song
be your own
May you be blessed to be you
always and only you
and may the world be blessed
by your presence
your courage
your faith
May you be . . .
whatever you want to be.
Labels: LOT Project
The Devil Inside
It's interesting the convergence of things. It's one of the reasons I used to read multiple books at a time--I loved the often profoundly sympatico convergences that happened between vastly different topics or genres.
I'm in the middle of a 40-day sadhana in which I read the Chandi di Vaar as well as doing 11 repetitions of the Tithe too pauri from Anand Sahib. Both are to protect and expel 'demons'. I began the practice as a way to protect my beloved and myself and to clear any obstacles. I've sense realized that the practice is for me--and my own healing.
The body holds memory; even though every cell in the body is replaced at some point (at least every 7 years if not every 48 hours, in some cases), the body still holds the story, or I should say the mind does. What happens if we drop the story? Would our bodies have an opportunity to completely renew? Or does the story run so deep--at the cellular and molecular level--that regardless of our conscious efforts to drop the pain and the past, the body holds on for dear life? I don't know the answer to that--but I do know that I have old stories held within me. Stories that were embedded in me as a child; stories that were implanted before I even had a language to be aware of them.
One such story is of 'the devil.' My mother and I still go around and around about this one (so apologies mom). But in my transformation process, I've realized that I'm carrying so much unnecessary shame and guilt. It's not that I haven't done things whose natural outcome is to feel shame or guilt. That's not the point. The point is that the notion of the devil inside, "the notorious devil-made-me-do-it" thinking creates a split within the psyche. Which is worse? To believe some force of evil generated negative actions in my life or take responsibility for it myself? Either way it's a hard pill to swallow; but if I take the responsibility myself, then I at least have an opportunity to resolve it. If it's some outside force, then what power do I have to change?
Another way of seeing this paradigm turns it completely on its head: God is the doer. Everything, whether we perceive it as 'good' or 'bad' is done by the one Doer--God--and is therefore a part of our path, our journey toward discovering our Self and the God within. This of course allows for no split in the psyche--but it does allow for a lot of compassion and grace and prayer that that force that's greater than ourselves can intervene and take our lives in a new direction.
And so I continue my process of expelling the demons--and it does feel like an exorcism in some cases! So, maybe you're right after all mom, maybe there is a devil inside. But if there is, it's only an idea that my mind accepted from my culture, retold in my subconscious, and continually renewed until I was ready to drop it and write a new story. A story of liberation and freedom and surrender and grace and all that is good. All things come from God and all things go to God.
May we expel our demons
and live in the light
of our ever renewed consciousness
May we drop the stories
and dwell in the moment
with an eye always on the prize
The illumined Self--Saibhang
Thunder and Lightening
Lately I've been going through a lot of changes. The most obvious one is in my physical form. But the physical is only a symbol for the vast changes happening within me. Last night I had a healing session with my friend and Reiki Master, Tej Kaur. It was a tremendous release. In my small gurdwara at home, with the windows open, I began letting go of some very old pain, shame, sense of lack--all those old patterns that continue to manifest (but not for long!). As the session continued and my emotional release became stronger and stronger, a tremendous storm came through. The thunder and lightening feeling as if they were there in the room with us; the rain misting in through the open windows, showering me, blessing me. Tej said she could feel Guru Gobind Singh coming in along with all my other teachers and healers, and some of hers, to cut and sweep away everything that was old, that was no longer me, so that I could finally return to myself. Return to my Self.
After the session was over, the storm quieted and I felt as if I had been hollowed out--the hollow reed that Hafiz often refers to--the flute of Shiva. From that emptiness, I felt a complete relaxation and release, a freedom. This morning I woke up knowing that some of the old remains, but only to remind me to befriend myself, to forgive myself, and to be careful and kind to myself--and others. I woke up with a smile for the first time in a long time. And I know the future holds greater things than I could ever hope for--so I've abandoned hope and dwell only in what is, for it is here and now that the gift reveals itself. This breath and this one and this one.
May we all be liberated
from the old
and released into
the new
May we no longer cling
to the past
but free fall
into the present
May we shout a great Whap!
into the eye of a storm
and laugh with our arms
spread wide to the sky
May we forgive
every wrong and live
courageously, looking ever
toward the light
May we love
what we love without
reservation or fear
And may that love
Reflect the Big Love
as the Moon reflects
the Sun
May we become One
Anand Karaj--The Work of Bliss
Months ago, in my dreams of family and marriage, I asked my friend Ek Ong Kaar Kaur to translate the Laavan. I wasn't the first to ask, but my sense of urgency at that time led her to turn her attention to it. Even though my own plans have since fallen by the way side, we are nevertheless blessed with this wonderful new translation. Please see her blog and meditate on the implications of marriage and family and what it can mean toward a prosperous and peaceful future. [You'll find a link to her site in the column to the right.]
The Art of Acting
I went to this amazing poetry reading Friday night. . . Alan Arkin (The Heart is a Lonely Hunter, Little Miss Sunshine) read along with Richard Thompson. Bruce Dunlap played guitar to accompany each piece. It was an amazing evening!
It gave me so much appreciation for the craft and experience he brought to the pieces he read. It was profound to witness.
I include here the final piece he read from Carl Sandburg, The Wilderness, to a standing ovation:
THERE is a wolf in me ... fangs pointed for tearing gashes ... a red tongue for raw meat ... and the hot lapping of blood--I keep this wolf because the wilderness gave it to me and the wilderness will not let it go.
There is a fox in me ... a silver-gray fox ... I sniff and guess ... I pick things out of the wind and air ... I nose in the dark night and take sleepers and eat them and hide the feathers ... I circle and loop and double-cross.
There is a hog in me ... a snout and a belly ... a machinery for eating and grunting ... a machinery for sleeping satisfied in the sun--I got this too from the wilderness and the wilderness will not let it go.
There is a fish in me ... I know I came from saltblue water-gates ... I scurried with shoals of herring ... I blew waterspouts with porpoises ... before land was ... before the water went down ... before Noah ... before the first chapter of Genesis.
There is a baboon in me ... clambering-clawed ... dog-faced ... yawping a galoot's hunger ... hairy under the armpits ... here are the hawk-eyed hankering men ... here are the blond and blue-eyed women ... here they hide curled asleep waiting ... ready to snarl and kill ... ready to sing and give milk ... waiting--I keep the baboon because the wilderness says so.
There is an eagle in me and a mockingbird ... and the eagle flies among the Rocky Mountains of my dreams and fights among the Sierra crags of what I want ... and the mockingbird warbles in the early forenoon before the dew is gone, warbles in the underbrush of my Chattanoogas of hope, gushes over the blue Ozark foothills of my wishes--And I got the eagle and the mockingbird from the wilderness.
O, I got a zoo, I got a menagerie, inside my ribs, under my bony head, under my red-valve heart--and I got something else: it is a man-child heart, a woman-child heart: it is a father and mother and lover: it came from God-Knows-Where: it is going to God-Knows-Where--For I am the keeper of the zoo: I say yes and no: I sing and kill and work: I am a pal of the world: I came from the wilderness.
Another poem
I found an old journal of mine this weekend; the last poetry entry was from 1994! Yikes. Of course I've written since then, but it was interesting to see the same patterns, the same longings and yearning of the heart.
My patterns have surfaced and once again I get to see myself. Another layer of the onion. And, once again, I get to recognize that most of these deep-seated patterns cannot be changed by my own personal will, but instead, I must rely upon the grace of God. And it is this recognition, this surrender, that allows me to have so much more freedom this morning than I've had in weeks, months. My story, my desire, my, oh my self-seeking, has once again led to my isolation.
When I experienced depression in my 20s, I would shout to my own consciousness--Change! Learn! Today, I whisper it. I stay open; I stay vulnerable; I allow myself to experience this pain without suffering any longer. I continue to love--through it all.
Ancient HistoryAncient history
like some mariner's song
lost upon the sea
the wind carries
its echo, whispers it to me
Gone the sideways glance
the brush of the hand
the quiet smile
or burst of laughter
head thrown back to the sky
No more dancing in the kitchen
his hand on my heart
my hand on his
My beloved and I
breathing together
Fold away the the baby's union suit
you bought because it said "i love you"
in sigh language and reminded you of him
the t-shirts he gave you ("to have me around")
the dreams, the plan
Ancient history
gone--
today's love song
no longer speaks of hope
but only tenderness
and truth
this moment
and this one--
remembering you
